Sister Mary Agnes Maria Teresa was conducting class for Sunday School, and she assigned her pupils a special project; to read various portions of the Bible, and to return the following week with a "book report" on what they had read, that could be shared with their fellow students so that all the little children would be able to grasp the Light of sunbeams from the Lord.
She made certain that different children were assigned different chapters, so that there would be no repeating of the same information, so that all the little children would be able to grasp the Light of sunbeams from the Lord.
Following are excerpts from some of the reports laid upon the desk of Sister Mary Agnes Maria Teresa.
One little girl wrote, "Eve ate the apple, which was already bit by the serpent, and Adam didn't have any snake bite medicine, so he could not help her. There were no Poison Control Centers at the time, so Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden so they wouldn't be tempted to eat any more apples that were already bit by snakes."
From a little boy, "Jacob and Esau were fighting over a bowl of soup. I think that Esau was eating chicken-noodle soup, and when he offered to give some to Jacob, Jacob didn't want it, because he really wanted vegetable soup."
Another boy wrote, "So the whale fought Ahab, and Ahab was really mad, and Ahab decided to use his ship to get even." The little boy was reprimanded for not reading his Bible story regarding Jonah and the whale, and was reprimanded again for watching "Moby Dick" on television and not doing his homework, so that all the little children would be able to grasp the Light of sunbeams from the Lord.
A little girl wrote, "Then Jesus came out of the cave, and when he saw his shadow, he knew there would be six more weeks of bad weather."
Another girl wrote, "So Jesus got five boxes of fishsticks and two loaves of French bread and multiplied it to feed the whole lunchroom."
A boy wrote, "Joseph and Mary had to stay in the manger because they didn't have any insurance or credit cards. Mary didn't have Medicaid, and that's why she couldn't have her baby in the hospital."
Another boy wrote, "Lot's wife was turned to salt because she was slow, and because she had to look at scenery, just like my dad says my mom does. That is why the sea is salt."
A girl wrote, "Daniel was not afraid of the lions, because he knew they were just giant kitties at heart, and that as long as he didn't pull their tails, they wouldn't get mad at him."
A bright little boy wrote, "Noah built a huge boat with model glue. They didn't have airplanes back then, so a boat was the only thing that would keep the animals from getting wet. Animals don't like to get wet, so it was Noah's job to keep them dry while God watered the Earth. Back then, they didn't have sprinkler systems, so God rationed his water and used it all until it was all gone."
Another boy wrote, "All the disciples had supper together, but Judas didn't want to pay the bill, so Jesus called him a traitor."
A girl wrote, "Then Moses parted the Red Sea. He used a giant comb and told God to make the part stay, so that he wouldn't have to part the water anymore. When Moses got across the bottom of the sea, he told God to close the part, and all the water rushed back again, and the part was lost forever." The little girl was reprimanded for being more interested in her golden hair than she was in helping all the little children to grasp the Light of sunbeams from the Lord.
Another girl wrote, "And the Lord gave Job acne, and took away his credit cards, and wouldn't let him wear new clothes, and all of Job's friends laughed at him and called him a fool."
A boy wrote, "Solomon tore the baby in two, and then it was twins, and both mothers got to keep one."
A girl wrote, "So Mary rode the ass of a donkey, and Joseph was desperate."
A naughty little boy wrote, "Jesus went to Mount Olive, and Popeye got really mad." The naughty little boy was reprimanded for being profane, instead of helping all the little children to grasp the Light of sunbeams from the Lord.
Another boy wrote, "Jesus sent all the pigs to join the Foreign Legion."
A little girl wrote, "Davy built a treehouse, and Goliath spent the night in the treehouse, where he howled all night. Davy got in trouble for not letting Goliath into the house." The little girl was reprimanded for being more interested in television than she was in helping all the little children to grasp the Light of sunbeams from the Lord.
A boy wrote, "Jesus turned the water into wine, because all his relatives were in town, and all the liquor stores were closed."
A girl wrote, "The four apostles joined Jesus. They were John, Paul, George and Ringo."
A boy wrote, "There is a plague of locusts and roaches in our house, so the world has already ended."
"A girl wrote, "God makes a list of who's naughty and nice. Heaven lasts once a year."