Analyst: Hello, God. How are You feeling, today?
God: You seem to have all the answers — why don't you tell me how I'm feeling?
Analyst: I understand your cynicism, God, and I hope You can believe me when I say I am only trying to help You.
God: Sometimes I wonder... but I know you mean well. That's better than a lot of people, I suppose. (Sighs.)
Analyst: Well, God, are You ready to talk about what happened in our last session?
God (reluctantly): I suppose.
Analyst: According to my notes, we were working through regression-therapy, and things seemed very promising. Then, we apparently confronted some uncomfortable issues regarding Noah's Ark. Do You remember this?
God: Yeah. I remember your attitude. It seemed like it didn't matter to you what my answers were, you just didn't seem to like them.
Analyst: Do you feel, God, that you were telling me how you really felt at the time, or were you telling me what you thought I wanted to hear?
God: I thought I was telling you how I really felt at the time, but you didn't seem to like the answers. I just can't win either way.
Analyst: Now, God, you know You and I are in a non-competitive relationship. I am only here to help You.
God : You wouldn't happen to have your own television show, would you?
Analyst: No... Would You like me to have my own television show?
God: Hell, no! It seems like all those people calling themselves my "little helpers" do nothing but drive my people underground, especially the ones with brains. You wouldn't believe some of the things that get said in my name, and then I'm supposed to "back it up" as some wild-ass reward for faith. What kind of garbage is that? Yet in the end, I always get to take the rap. (God folds His arms across his chest) Well, I'm not gonna do it anymore. They can just take responsibility for themselves, and see how they like it.
Analyst (excitedly): God, that's wonderful! I feel like we've just made our first break-through! You are "Taking Back Your Life." Go, God!
God: Excuse me?
Analyst: Well, God, You just finished saying you weren't going to take responsibility for other people's problems anymore. Don't you see this as progress? What I "hear" you saying is that You are going to take care of You. That's wonderful!
God: Uh... I take it this is "good"?
Analyst: Certainly! It means You no longer need to feed into this co-dependent pattern of behavior that You have with Humanity. It means that You will re-claim Your life and say, "I am God, and I will be the best person I can be. And if sometimes I don't live up to my expectations, well, that's okay, because I know I'm God, and that is enough for today."
God: Do you still have those chocolate mints around here? I got the munchies, bad.
Analyst (fetches bowl and resumes dialogue): Well, God, I am very pleased with Your progress, and if it's okay with You, I'd really like to explore some of the issues left over from our last session that I don't think we were able to resolve very effectively. Are You ready to work with me on this, God?
God: I guess so. Got any potato chips? Pringles are my favorite. Did you know that the construction of Pringles' potato chips has the surface tension of least resistance on a hyperbolic parabola? That's why there's the least breakage, and the best stackability in any given Pringles can. Isn't that cool?
Analyst (handing God a can of Pringles): Fascinating.
God: Yeah, that's what I thought, too - the perfect potato chip. I bet they don't have that on Sirius, yet. They're still working on sauerkraut.
(Analyst remain silent.)
God: I'm sorry. Was there something you wanted to say? Damn, these are good! (Crunches.)
Analyst (refers to notes): Yes. I wanted to ask You about that last session we had. As I recall, we stopped right after I asked You about the unicorns. Can you tell me what that's about?
God (crunches): I forgot. What was the question?
Analyst: I had asked you what happened to the unicorns.
God (mumbles): What unicorns?
Analyst: The unicorns that didn't make it on to Noah's Ark. Was there a reason for that?
God: Oh yeah, now I remember. I guess I was too embarrassed to tell you at the time, but what actually happened is that Noah didn't get it.
Analyst: Noah didn't get what?
God: Noah didn't get the unicorns.
Analyst: What do you mean? I thought You were the one who put out the Call for the animals to board the ark.
God: I was. I DID. But Noah screwed up.
Analyst: How do you mean?
God: Look... (crunches) I put out the Call. The animals showed up. But Noah didn't let the unicorns board the ark.
Analyst: Why not?
God: I don't know. Why don't you ask Noah?
Analyst: I'm asking You, God, because You were the one in control of the situation. Why do You think Noah didn't let the unicorns board the ark?
God: How the hell should I know? Do I look like an attendance monitor to you? I got more important things to do...(crunches) You wanna know what I think?
Analyst: That would be nice.
God: I think Noah wasn't too good with math.
Analyst: What do you mean? What has math got to do with it? (Suspiciously) Are You sure You're not just trying to pass the buck?
God: No, seriously. I think Noah took one look at the unicorns, saw that they had a single horn on their heads, and probably thought they were biological rejects.
Analyst (suppresses a grin while raising an eyebrow): If You feel this is true, why didn't You tell me this when I asked You a few weeks ago?
God: Because I'm God. It is embarrassing to me to have to admit when one of my Chosen People do stupid things. Haven't you ever known anybody that you wanted to disassociate with because of their idiocy?
Analyst: I will admit I have had that impulse, until I remembered that no human's actions are truly a reflection on my actions.
God (sarcastically): I suppose you're a saint.
Analyst (equally sarcastically): You would know better than I.
God: Alright already. You made your point. What's the next question?
Analyst: Yes, you're right. I apologize for my digression. God, do you acknowledge that the Great Flood was premeditated murder?
God: WHAT?! I don't remember you asking me about that! What are you talking about?
Analyst: You're right, God, we did not talk about this at our last session. If we had been able to continue with the regression-therapy, this issue might have come up. As it happens, since we were not able to cover that topic, I feel compelled at this time to confront that issue. Do You understand the question?
God: Well, YES, or I think I do, but...
Analyst (firmly): No "buts", God. If we are going to find the healing that You need, You're going to have to learn to confront these issues.
God: I never heard that "healing" included admitting to premeditated murder. What book is that written in? ...Oh, I know. It's in THAT Book, isn't it? I bet somewhere in there it says I like to put on velvet dresses and wear Easter hats while shopping for crosses, too. Was Santa Claus crucified by the Elves?
Analyst: There's no need to get defensive, God. Remember that meditation techn—
God: Don't start with me!
Analyst: Calm down, God. Calm down, now. We can talk about this, okay?
God: Okay, okay. Make your point and get it over with.
Analyst: God, I understand that this is very painful for You. It's painful to me, too.
Analyst: Really. Pardon the expression, but do You know how hard it is to "go up against God?" If You would think, for one minute, about my position, You would know how I feel. However, the Academy chose me to work with You, and so here I am. It's your quarter, God. Hit or sit. Do You want to play?
God (grudgingly): Sure, why not? You irritate the Hell out of me sometimes, but at least you're not a groveller.
Analyst: What do You mean by that, God?
God: Don't psychoanalyze me, I know all the tricks. I just meant that you're one of the few who doesn't sing Psalms to get my affection, you know what I mean?
Analyst: Would You care to elucidate?
Analyst: Hmm... Well then, if we could get back to the subject at hand.
God: Yeah, something about how I premeditated slaughter.
Analyst: Yes, that was the very issue. As I understand it, You gave Noah a considerable amount of time to build the ark, yes?
God: Yeah, that's right. You wouldn't believe how many times I had to nag him on the astral plane to get his attention. He just wouldn't listen.
Analyst: May I ask, God, if it didn't seem to you that Noah had his own Denial issues?
God (shakes His head in amusement): It sure seemed like it at the time.
Analyst: Then why did You choose Noah to build the ark?
God (hesitates): Promise not to laugh?
Analyst: I promise not to laugh.
God: I figured that if Noah was in denial, at least it meant he was paying attention. There are a lot of people out there who just say "Yes Yes Yes" to every little thing that comes along. Noah, at least, seemed discriminating. That counts, in my book — uh, not THAT Book.
Analyst: I understand perfectly. Noah was the right candidate at the time, yes? Is that the point You wanted to make?
God: Yeah. So what's your next question?
Analyst: So, during that year, at least, in which it took to build the ark, did Noah have full awareness as to the actual purpose of the ark?
God: Yes. So what? Are you saying we were accomplices?
Analyst: Not in the sense you mean. Noah is not really my concern here, as he is not here to tell us his side of the story, or his particular viewpoint regarding the construction of events surrounding the eventu—
God: STOP! Cut to the chase, shrink.
Analyst: Okay, God, since you seem ready to confront the true issues. If we are to look at the facts, as presented, we see that You have knowingly, with malice aforethought, conceived of a great destruction of Mankind. You KNEW there was a problem, but You didn't tell anyone else what the problems might have been. You just attempted to solve the problems in Your own way, without seeking help or mediation of any kind.
God: What do you want from me, shrink? We didn't HAVE mediators at the time! We also didn't have unions, but do you hear me whining about that? NOOOO!! But YOU want to act like I had an alternative solution and simply refused to use it, as if I were some sort of bogus God with no feelings.
Analyst: It does look that way sometimes.
God: That's your problem.
Analyst: It does appear that way. God, I do have one more question...
God: Uh-oh. It's that "one more question" that always makes me nervous. What is it, shrink?
Analyst: How can we be sure it won't happen again?
God throws the Pringles can onto the ground, steps on it, and walks out, thus ending the Session.