Analyst: Hello, God. Today I'd like to talk about Noah's Ark.
Analyst: Do You have a problem with that, God?
God (thinks for a minute): No, of course not. That's basically an animal story, and you look like the type to like animals.
Analyst: That's a charming supposition on Your part, God, and it is true that I do like animals. However, that's not really where I wanted to go with this dialogue.
God: It figures.
Analyst: God, I was wondering if I could get Your permission to work with You through regression-therapy.
God (suspiciously): What's that?
Analyst: It is a technique of therapy whereby I regress You, with the means of hypnosis, back to the point in time in which an event actually occurred. Regression-therapy has been found to be very helpful for many who have experienced a personality-versus-the-environment conflict regarding the inner/outer worlds of transference of information correlating to environmental factors including genetics, belief systems, conditioning, and dietary deficiency that prevents them from being able to access and relate to internal/external emotional/physical/mental stimuli on a harmonious, integrated level of understanding and cognitive awareness, which may precipitate a greater dysfunction within the realm of normal biological and neurological interfacing relationships.
God (with disbelief): Can you diagram that?
Analyst (puzzled): Can I diagram what?
God: That last sentence! Can you diagram that last sentence? The "inner this, outer that" stuff you just finished rattling off... You ARE through rattling off, I hope?
Analyst (surprised): Yes, I am, and yes, I can diagram that sentence. Do You want me to?
God: Hell, no! I'd be in here for eternity, and one hour a week is bad enough. How the Hell did those English teachers get in? I thought I had them barred at the Gate.
Analyst: Apparently, You didn't. Another oversight, perhaps?
God: What do you mean, "oversight"? I didn't "oversight" nothin', except maybe when I let them let YOU in.
Analyst: Back to being defensive, are we?
God: No, just telling it like it is.
Analyst: Interesting... Well, God? Are You ready to commit to the idea of trying regression therapy, so that we can work on some of the unresolved issues left over from the Ark incident?
God: NOT that I'm admitting I think there ARE any issues, but do I really have a choice?
Analyst: Actually, yes. You gave us choices, too, and then punished us when You didn't like the choices we made.
God: Is that supposed to be a threat?
Analyst: What do You mean?
God: Oh, don't think I don't know what you're up to. What I'm asking is if you're threatening to punish me; because if you are, I can bring charges up on you so fast it would make your head spin. I'll have you disbarred for harassment and intimidation, not to mention contempt, emotional assault and battery, and all-around negligence. Your credibility will be in shreds when I'm through with you.
Analyst: Mmm, I see. Sort of like how You've treated Humans. You can dish it out but You can't take it. Would You say that was a fair assessment of Your relationship with Humans, God?
God: Sometimes I really hate you.
Analyst: The truth hurts, doesn't it? Sometimes I hate You, too, God, but I try not to let that negativity override my better judgement. If You're going to continue to call Yourself God, it's time for You to start living up to Your image, and get out of denial.
God: Okay, okay, shrink. Whatever you want - just don't start in on that hyphens and slashes stuff again, please. (Sarcastically) Where were you during the Spanish Inquisition?
Analyst (not in the least sarcastic): Why, that's amazing, God — I was going to ask You the same thing!
God (anxiously): Yeah yeah sure — what was it you wanted to know about Noah's Ark?
Analyst: But... Yes, You're right. One day at a time... Are You ready to begin?
God: Is this gonna hurt?
Analyst (smiles reassurance, and begins a "suggestion" technique): No. Regression therapy requires no touching. What will happen is that I will put You in a light transcendental state, so that You will be receptive to my voice, but You will feel no pain. You will be aware, as an observer, yet You will experience recall from a detached point of association. You will remember the events as they occurred, but those memories will not be clouded by emotional disturbances which You may have perceived at the time. Remember that I will be here with You at all times, and that You are allowed to detach from the situation at any point when the experience becomes too intense or uncomfortable. Just listen to my voice, as we begin to count backwards from 100...
Analyst: God, can You hear me?
God: Yes, I hear you. I hear ALL of you. Always, I hear you.
Analyst: Please focus on my voice, God. Can You do that?
God: Yes, I can hear you. What is it you wish to say, My Child?
Analyst: God, I wanted to ask You some questions. Do I have Your permission?
God: Yes, My Child. What are your questions?
Analyst: I wanted to ask You about Noah's Ark.
God (smiles in semi-trance): Yes?
Analyst: I wanted to know why You singled out Noah to build an ark, and to collect a mated pair of all animals from the animal kingdom to board the ark. What was the purpose of this?
God: There was going to be a Flood. I was going to wash the Earth of filth and petty evil, to let Mankind start over again. The animals were not Guilty, so I sounded the Call for the Pure among them to seek Noah, and to allow themselves to be under his stewardship, for awhile.
Analyst: Was there any particular significance to calling Noah, in particular, to steward the animals, as you say?
Analyst: God, why did You choose Noah?
God (smiles again): Because he was there.
Analyst: God, I am curious about several things. I would like to know, since You chose two beasts of each kind to board the ark, why You allowed Noah to board his entire family, to save them from an extermination that they themselves did not believe in - until it occurred. Wasn't that one of the very points of contention that You had with the rest of Humanity - that they did not believe in You without "proof"? Why was Noah's family exempted from this?
God: You do not understand, My Child. Somebody had to feed the animals, and Noah and his wife could not have managed such a task all by themselves. It was a big ship, and Noah and Mrs. Noah were not young, even by Biblical standards. If I remember correctly, Noah was 600-and-something when the Great Flood occurred.
Analyst: Point taken, but we still haven't resolved why Noah's family was allowed to board the ark. As I understand it, there were supposed to be two representatives, one male and one female, from every race of being incarnate at that time.
God: Yes, you remember arightly.
Analyst: Then why were there six humans on that boat, and two of everybody else?
God: I had to ensure propagation of the Human Race.
God: So that all races could start over again, to produce newer, more evolved offspring of themselves that could work in harmony on Earth.
Analyst: But why six humans?
God: Just in case.
Analyst: Just in case what?
God: Just in case Noah and Mrs. Noah... well, you know. They were in their 600's at the time. I didn't want to take any chances.
Analyst: Interesting. Are You saying that You do sometimes leave things to chance?
God (smiles): You'd be surprised.
Analyst: I can see how that might be the case. However, I would like to address something else You mentioned.
God: What is that, My Child?
Analyst: Aside from the "insurance factor" of having six humans to work with, why were six humans needed to care for all the beasts, as you mentioned earlier? As God, couldn't You have just put troughs full of food and water with enough supply to last all the animals for 40 days and 40 nights?
God: Yes, I could have, but it was important for beasts and humans to interact. Animals have a dependency on Humanity for love, as well as for sustenance of the physical body. This is part of the Great Wheel.
Analyst: That is a good point, God, and I thank You for bringing it up. I do have another question, though, if You don't mind.
God: What is it, My Child?
Analyst: If You were depending on Noah's family to re-propagate the species, weren't You a little concerned about the "incest" taboo?
God: No. Some of those family members were by marriage, and I thought it was a pretty safe bet that any mating that might occur would be within the Holy guidelines.
Analyst: Isn't that a little "trusting"? Especially since that "trust" coincides with the Great Flood, when You were disgusted with Humanity, and resolved there was no hope? Wasn't that "lack of trust" the very cause of the Great Flood? How was Noah's family different, in the sense that they were exempt from this mistrust issue that You apparently had at the time?
God: What can I say? Things were different, then.
Analyst: I have another question.
God: Yes, My Child?
Analyst: This one is about the beasts. If there were two of every kind aboard the ark, then I presume some of them may have been carnivorous?
God: Yes, that's true.
Analyst: What did they eat?
God: Uh-oh, I see where you're going with this. (Laughs gently.) No, they did not eat.
Analyst: Why not?
God: Because they had received a communication from Me, and were therefore fasting.
Analyst: Are You saying that the carnivores fasted because of divine inspiration, but the herbivores and others were allowed to feast as usual?
God: If only you would understand... I weary of these questions...
Analyst: I understand, God. I have only a few more questions. Remember to relax. Breathe in... breathe out... Are you ready, God?
God: Yes, My Child, I am ready. What are your questions?
Analyst: After the Great Flood, You were reported as saying that You were grieved, and that You promised there would not be any more Floods or other retributional storms of Nature or God.
God: Yes... This was so.
Analyst: Then, may I ask, God, what allowed you to do such a thing in the first place? How are we to believe You? You flooded us once, You could do it again. How can we have faith that if You could be angry once, that You would not retaliate in this fashion again?
God: Your questions grieve me, My Child. Can you not see my pain?
Analyst: Yes. I see this is painful for You, so I will end with one last question.
God: Yes, My Child, I am listening.
Analyst: What happened to the unicorns?
The Analyst tried, but could not get an answer, and finally brought God out of regression.
God missed the next two therapy sessions.